I have been a member of a number of MCL groups on Facebook for the last few months.
A new group started up yesterday. It's for partners and spouses of people with MCL.
In my introductory post, I told about my situation, and I talked about being scared. My collection of fears is not small, and each little fear has been dancing in my head quite obviously the past week or so. Powerful little buggers they are. Or so they seem, anyway.
In response to my post, a woman said, "We are all scared."
I knew that. But I forgot.
We are all scared.
On the MCL list, we are afraid of the disease, of the chemo, of financial issues, of relationship problems, of friends leaving us because they can't handle what's going on with us. We're also afraid that we can't handle what's going on with us, and we're afraid of death. I am not afraid of these things. We are afraid of these things. We, the spouses and partners of people with MCL (along with just about everyone else), are afraid of these things. The fear is not mine, it's ours.*
And right now, many parents of school-aged children in Colorado and other places are afraid for their children to be walking to school or playing in the neighborhood, because a young girl was abducted a few days ago.
It seems that EVERYONE is scared of something. And that makes fear seem very, very normal, and I feel much less alone.
*(We could argue that feelings aren't owned by anyone - they "just are" - and that way of looking also helps me to see that I'm not alone in experiencing fear.)
5 comments:
I've been thinking about fear, because yes, we're all feeling it. I feel this battle to try to force myself to relax and just trust God, but wow I am not very good at that. I can't stop the anxiety or worry most of the time. But I keep trying to get it under control and wondering if that is even a sane thing to try to do....
I hear ya, Diana. Good wonderings. In my experience, when I try to control my fear, I can't make it go away, so then I'm left with both the fear AND with the fight of not wanting to have it. TWO hard things... But for some reason, today, realizing that it is a normal thing for all of us humans, and recognizing that I'm not alone in it, I feel a lot of peace around the fears. That seems to make my fears not so HUGE. But that's today. Feel free to remind me about this on another day when I forget. ;-)
Sending you hugs.
I like this little tidbit from Eckhart Tolle:
"Nothing that comes and goes is you.
'I am bored.' Who knows this?
'I am angry, sad, afraid.' Who knows this?
You are the knowing, not the condition that is known.”
Thanks, Thomas.
Yes, boredom, anger, sadness, and fear all arise and disappear in Knowing or Awareness. So do happiness, courage, and the feelings of love. In fact, so do the people we call "Carol" and "Thomas". What an amazing dance!
I haven't yet realized this in every moment so I still can take my fears and sadness seriously. I can find that so human and endearing...
I just wanted to let you know I read this post. I'm afraid I had very mixed feelings about the comment you received "We are all scared". My mixed feelings are only regarding the response you got to your post about being scared. They have nothing to do with your blog post or the responses you received (above). So rather than tarnish your blog with my initial reaction, I will just say hello. I tried to write an academic response, but the skill to do so with tact, failed me. But . . . I'm guessing you will understand why. m All the best. GG
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